Spinning and spinning

I discovered that I have 13 distinct personalities that I definitively use on a daily basis. On a weekly basis, the number is at or around 17. This was never calculated, never planned, and never counted on my part. I realized quite recently that I have massive “mood swings” at each and every period of the day, acting, thinking, and existing in entirely different ways. I don’t think many do this so radically and so undeliberately. Never have I purposefully changed my attitude or outlook for a set period of time on a periodical schedule for a methodical purpose.  I can’t say that any of these attitudes are masks either – they aren’t mean to hide anything at all. I wonder if there even is a face behind the mask. None of these camouflages seem farces to me; I find them perfectly natural for given situations without thinking of the situation. It’s difficult to call it even an adaptation – I don’t change deliberately – as it simply happens.  There is no  control variable, or default situation, to find the true-self “normal” mode. These swings feel perfectly normal and perfectly honest.

What is most shocking of these changes is not the changes in appearance but the changes in mind. In one attitude at one given time of the day, my opinions on the world are different then in another. My methods of interpreting data, my outlook on greater pictures, my beliefs and convictions are in a circle that spins day to day systematically, yet humanly; methodically, yet naturally. One reason I find it so difficult to write explicit opinions or deliver explicit ideas at one given moment is that said moment is set to momentarily change. The opinions and ideas are in constant, scheduled, natural fluctuations. To capture just one moment does not get the whole, but to capture all moments gets a bundle of contradictions. The irony is wondrous and liberating in the most paradoxical way: the thought of having inconstant thoughts seems so human and true.  Capturing thoughts into words and images has always been difficult because of that, and I suspect in the real world it’s been a problem for activists and politicians that are expected to be stagnant and firm in opinion at all times. Which is one of the big worries of mass media today: the systematization of thought and speech.

To this subject, that’s wholly off topic. Back in the ballpark, I find these swings fascinating in the continuities and differences between them. It’s difficult to even pinpoint: my perceptions of either are constantly changing! It’s in constant fluctuation, and I have no problem with it. The ones that must worry are the compartmentalized – it must be boring to be in full control and in full stability. “Live and let live”, I guess.

I apologize for the incohesive and random stream of thought. Not to mention my using fictitious words like “incohesive”. You’ll just have to deal with it.

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